I Have Just Invented Time Travel

I am going to go back in time.  Not far mind you, just back to the beginning of January.  It’s really the only way I can try to make up for deviating from my plan.  It was a good plan, and a simple one.  Simple plans are the best kind after all, and with the least chance for failure.  Wanna know what that plan was?  Here you go.

Blog steadily through the whole move, and often.  

That was it.  I told you it was simple.  But I guess simple plans aren’t always so simple to follow.  It’s nobody’s fault though, except mine maybe.  The problem was one minor miscalculation.  Time.  Or rather, a major lack of it.  I knew things would be busy, but I still underestimated how busy it would actually be.  I still blogged mind you, I just wasn’t able to finish most of them.  And the ones that are finished haven’t been proof read.

This is where the time travel comes in.  I am going to finish all those posts you see, then jump back in time to the appropriate day to publish them.  Cool, huh?  To all of the mere mortals of the world it will look a lot like a bunch of blog posts in a short span of time.  But you need only look to the published date for proof that I have, in fact, invented time travel.  See ya!

back-to-the-future-DeLorean

Things You Don’t See in America #7

image

Translation: 365 Days of Fireworks……(website address)……And what are you doing? (Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

These billboards sprang up all over Trier, Germany right before Silvester*.  I wonder which would upset some fragile American sensibilities more, the conveniently-but-barely-covered “naughty bits” or the fact that it is an advertisement for a Brothel?

I guess it could be possible to see something similar to this in Nevada, but I don’t know if the Mustang Ranch has billboards!

German Glossary

  • Silvester = New Year’s Eve

***This post was published on both Janury 2nd & February 16th, 2014.  To find out how, click here!

Don’t Trust a McDonalds That Hides in a Gas Station

What is the number one, singular, “most bestest” thing about McDonald’s? That’s right, breakfast! And I’m not talking about some new fangled pancake-McMuffin concoction that all the kids are eating these days. I’m talking old school man, the originals. Egg McMuffin, Sausage McMuffin, Sauage McMuffin with Egg, and the king of them all……the Bacon, Egg, & Cheese Biscuit! So when you are done with an appointment at the US Consulate that you have waited an eternity for, the “Golden Arches” are a welcome sight. That explosion of flavor that is ready in 5 minutes or less is a perfect idea! So we stop at the corner gas station with the infamous “M” on the wall, find the cute little “mini” McDonald’s inside, step up to the counter, ask if they are still serving breakfast, and……..

If you look really hard, you can see something that is SUPPOSED to be a McDonald's (Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

If you look really hard, you can see something that is SUPPOSED to be a McDonald’s                             (Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

…….DENIED! “Kein Frühstück*!” No breakfast whatsoever. What a rip off, man. A classic case of fraud. How can this impostor be allowed to pass itself off as a McDonald’s? Call the Polizei* and have these people arrested. I say life in prison!

In all seriousness though, what a bummer. That would have been the perfect finish to a perfect visit to Frankfurt, and all we got was a cup of scalding hot coffee. Oh yeah, the coffee was the best part of the whole deal. Well, the person that served us the coffee anyway. After she denied us our god given right to a joyful breakfast, she decided to be the possibly rudest person I have ever encountered behind a McDonald’s counter. After she mumbled her way through most of the transaction while looking completely annoyed that we were disturbing her morning, she served us 1 coffee and said “bitteschön*”. I responded by politely informing her that we had ordered 2 coffees, at which point she just looked at me like I was a complete moron. So I said it again, because in that situation “bitteschön” means “here is your order”. Your ENTIRE order. And that was obviously not our entire order. Then she mumbled “Yeah, there’s another one coming!” in the snottiest German you can imagine and turned around to wait for it. Well excuse me miss thang, I didn’t mean to ruin your morning by ordering some coffee. Why don’t you take your ass to a German language class before getting all offended!  Sorry, I was ranting again.  I guess good help is hard to find these days.

So what’s the moral of the story kids? A McDonald’s just isn’t a McDonald’s if it doesn’t serve breakfast. And don’t be impatient at the mini McDonald’s near the Frankfurt Consulate!

*GERMAN GLOSSARY

  • Kein Früstuck = No breakfast
  • Polizei = Police
  • Bitte schön = Here you go (in this situation anyway, bitte and bitteschön are very versatile words in German that are used in a myriad of ways)

Guten Rutsch!

Brandenburger Gate on New Year's Eve (Photo Credit: www.sylvester-kurzreisen.de)

Brandenburger Gate on New Year’s Eve (Photo Credit: sylvester-kurzreisen.de)

Germerican Denglish wishes you a Happy New Year’s celebration and a Guten Rutsch!*

Times Square on New Years Eve (Photo Credit: iessanpabloenglish.wordpress.com)

Times Square on New Years Eve (Photo Credit: iessanpabloenglish.wordpress.com)

German Glossary

  • Guten Rutsch – Literally translated means “good slide”, but really means a good start in the new year

Things You Don’t See in America #6

This I found at an Autobahn gas station.  I would have never thought that a magazine stand could represent a cultural attitude……..

Watch out Heidi Klum, there are naked boobies right beside you! (Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

Watch out Heidi Klum, there are naked boobies right beside you! (Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

but you would never see Playboy just chillin next to Cosmopolitan anywhere in America.  Especially not without that magical plastic bag to hide the big, bad boobies that would singlehandedly destroy the moral fiber of American society!

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No Weihnachtsmarkt For You!

So there we were, sitting in front of a parking garage in Trier, waiting to get in so we could go enjoy the heaven that is the Trierer Weihnachtsmarkt.  And we waited, and waited, and waited some more.  Was the Christmas market so busy that there was no parking, you ask?  That’s what we thought at first, that’s the only reason we were waiting so patiently in front of the lovely red “Besetzt”* light…….

(Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

(Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

Then a car appeared at the exit gate.  Hallelujah!  Our patience had paid off!  Once he put his ticket into the machine to leave, we would be allowed to enter.  WRONG ANSWER!  He drove away, and our little gate did absolutely nothing.  No magical green blinking light to touch to get a ticket, no sign of life whatsoever, just nothing.  Then another car left, then another, and another.  After about 10 cars had left is when I started to feel like I was in an episode of Seinfeld and had offended the Soup Nazi.  No Glühwein* for you!  And to make it even better, there was a line of other people waiting behind us.  However, I soon used my keen skills of observation to ascertain the problem.  See if you can find the problem…….

(Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

(Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish)

Do you see it?  If not, look very closely at the left side of the picture.  It might as well be a video actually, and it would look the same.  For anybody that still doesn’t see it, I’ll tell you. The exit gate was stuck open!  Didn’t move an inch.  Half of the people still stopped and put their ticket in, but most of the people just drove right on out.  Some of them were even quite humorous to watch as they tried to figure out what was going on.  After we were tired of feeling like we were on an episode of TV’s Bloopers & Practical Jokes or Verstehen Sie Spass I finally had the bright idea to push the help button.  That should solve the problem right away, right?  No, oh no.  It didn’t even solve the problem soon.  After the “phone” rang forever and ever, I finally got to explain the problem and they said they would send someone right out.  I might need to go find that person so we can go over the meaning of sending someone right away. because that was more like forever.  And just when I had all but given up, right before I was about to get out and ask the people behind us to let us out of line, it happened.  Like the sun bursting through the clouds or a gift from an angel, the little green light came on and we were allowed to get our magical ticket to enter the parking garage.

In the end, we had a good time.  We drank Glühwein, we ate Schhwenkbraten*, and our little Germerican got to ride the Carousel about 1,000 times.  That’s all it takes to make a trip to the Trierer Weihnachtsmarkt complete.  We could have had more though if it wasn’t for that stupid parking garage gate!

*German Glossary

  • Weihnachtsmarkt = Christmas Market
  • Besetzt = Occupied
  • Glühwein = Hot Spiced Wine
  • Schwenkbraten = Grilled and marinated pork steak, in this case served in Brötchen (a.k.a. heaven in a bread roll!)

By The Numbers (Moving Update #3)

3 days, 6 movers, 11 crates, 342 packages, and 12,647 pounds.  That’s what it takes to pack up our worldly possessions for their nice little trip to America.  Toys, office supplies, dishes, pots, pans, TVs, couches, chairs, clothes, towels, beds, and so on and so on.  And all of it packed tetris style into those monster wooden crates.  On one hand, I can’t believe that they fit our entire house into those 11 crates.  But on the other, it is crazy that we have so much stuff.  And I’m not talking about all of the “Crap” I wrote about before.  I’m talking about actual, useful stuff.  Roomfulls of useful stuff.  Crazy what two (and a half) people can accumulate in 7 years.

DSC_0488

Think about those numbers though.  Besides the fact that I can’t believe we have over 12,000 pounds of stuff, I can’t believe they packed it all up in only 3 days.  Especially since they don’t actually pack for 8 hours a day, only the first 6 or so then spend the rest of the time packing it into the large wooden crates.  When we moved to that house in 2010 it took us weeks to pack and move, and half of that stuff we just threw into a box.  But there wasn’t any of that here.  These guys wrapped every single thing in multiple layers of paper, then everything was carefully packed into a box.  How quickly they did it though, that was the amazing part.

Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish

Photo Credit: Germerican Denglish

So, there you have it.  All 342 packages of our stuff is gone, and our poor house is empty.  We gave the keys back to the landlord on Thursday and moved to Trier, but that’s a story for another time.